Snarky News of the Week #17

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Here’s what happened around the world during the week of Monday, April 20th, 2020.

For the following week’s edition see Snarky News of the Week #18.

World’s longest animal possibly discovered off the coast of Australia

While perhaps skirting the criterion for what can be classified as an ‘animal’ for the sake of a click-bait headline, scientists have supposedly stumbled upon a floating mass of cells in the Indian Ocean. This ‘swirling siphonophore’ measures at approximately 150 feet (46m) long which would make it the lankiest organism currently known to man.

It’s safe to say that the creature being eloquently described as ‘silly string’, will probably not be making an appearance at the local aquarium anytime soon.

Ryanair will not operate with ‘idiotic’ social distancing rules

A surprise which should come to absolutely no one given the airline’s previously floated ideas of vertical (i.e. standing) seats, implementing a ‘fat-tax’ for overweight passengers, and even offering pornography as in-flight entertainment.

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has asserted that planes will not fly if airlines are mandated to keep all middle seats empty in accordance with proposed in-flight social distancing measures, unless the Government purchases these seats.

This comes at the same time while deriding other airlines seeking bailouts, such as German flag carrier Lufthansa, stating they are akin to a “crack-cocaine junkie”.

People in quarantine are masturbating more

Results from a recent survey conducted by Condom manufacturer Trojan has found that 36% of young adults between the ages of 18 and 24 have admitted to wanking more frequently since the implementation of social distancing rules.

Perhaps more importantly, the study has deduced that 64% of people are liars.

Japanese Mayor suggests men should do the shopping since women ‘take a longer time’

Women take a longer time grocery shopping because they browse through different products and weigh out which option is best, while men quickly grab what they’re told to buy so they won’t linger at the supermarket — that avoids close contact with others

Mayor of Osaka, Ichiro Matsui

These comments made by the Mayor of Japan’s third largest city a during a press conference, expectedly received quite a backlash as the country grapples with an ever-increasing number of active cases in the East Asian island nation.

Drug Cartels forced to raise prices on products due to Corona

As COVID-19 leaves many industries in tatters, the international drug trade is no exception. It turns out that the production of high profit drugs such as methamphetamine and fentanyl, relies on a complicated border-spanning supply chain that originates in China.

With many international borders now closed and supply chains obstructed, cartels in Mexico and Colombia have been left in a bit of a predicament in terms of procuring the necessary chemicals for concocting narcotics. As a result, street values for various drugs have reportedly already increased substantially to the dismay of addicts across the globe.


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